I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
