Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
