well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
