my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
