yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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