we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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