I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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