John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
