I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
