I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
