Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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