her vagine was all disorganized.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
