I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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