Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
