Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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