Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
