I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
