I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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