i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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