Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
