Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
