There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
