if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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