all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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