I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
