Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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