I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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