I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
