my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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