We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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