see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
