but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
