You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
