I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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