I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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