Ambien. No doubt about it.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
