Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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