I think I won the penis lottery.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
