there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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