It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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