I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Bring me that man meat
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
