Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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