Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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