Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
