I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
