party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
