thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
