Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
