Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
