I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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